My Dog’s Death

My dog was very precious to me. He expired because of oral carcinoma. He was in immense pain before his demise. I called the vet. to give him an injection so that he can sleep forever and is free from all the troubles. We buried him in our backyard. The day he was buried I went in the evening to put a candle and few flowers on his grave.  As soon as I entered the house I felt he is there wagging his tail. I still remember just before leaving he looked into my eyes as if asking me “Mama why are you sending me so far off from you, will you not remember me, how will you forget me mama? I was a part of your life. I love you mama. Do not send me away; how will you live without me? Will you forget me mama, won’t you remember me while going to the washroom in the nights; I always followed you, how will you forget that someone is sitting and waiting outside for you?”

 That night I heard him as if he is calling me and asking me to see beneath the wet soil, asking me to see how frightened he was. I heard his barks telling me how cruel are we human beings; at last he told me “Mama I am going away do not call my name any more, also do not remember me any more I am no more your companion. Live in your own solitude and be happy”. Almost nine years have passed but I still remember him. He was my best friend, when I was in high spirits he was happy, he shared my tears in my grief, there was always someone waiting for me at home. Now I do not find any one behind the curtains wagging the tail with joy and heightened barks. DEAR I STILL REMEMBER YOU INSPITE OF YOU TELLING ME NOT TO REMEMBER YOU.

Happiness

Since the last few days I found myself getting disturbed over insignificant instances and felt that it happens with each one of us. Therefore, one fine morning I thought of tracing happiness. I went through a journey to find it in a cottage, village, sea shore, mountains as I just wanted to find out where does happiness dwell. Does it lie in riches, strength, power or nowhere? A strange fact came in limelight which revealed that happiness has a history and a voyage of its own.  At infancy, a child finds maximum happiness in the mother’s lap. He grows, happiness walks along with him and he gets attracted towards toys and other objects. Mothers keep on screaming “come here” but he keeps on playing with the toys and at that point of time he does not like the mother’s voice as it disturbs him.  As the child grows his happiness is in his friends and other materialistic things. He further grows, gets a lucrative job, marries a beautiful woman, has beautiful children, buys a luxury car, a big house and he is happy. This is a normal corridor of happiness. However, everything does not move by the standard conventions created by us. Every journey gets interrupted and so is the journey of happiness. As soon as we face hurdles we are unhappy.   

Happiness is the sign of life. To be happy you need to have desires. You cannot progress if you do not have Desires. Desires make you run for your name, fame, money, and power. Once you are on the runway you reach at a point from where you want to fly.  You keep on achieving one or the other goal of your life but always think of more and that is prosperity. If you have no desire you are a dead soul, and the world forgets you. You are neither in the present nor in the future. No desire means death. Even God was happy when he created this wonderful world; he created the earth, the vast sea, thick forests, beautiful flowers, deserts and untouchable mountains. He admires his own creations. As we always admire our own home and want to listen from every mouth the word of appreciation. But the world does not move according to our wishes and charms and has its own course to follow.  Just if somebody does not have a high regard for us we become unhappy develop complexes, shut over selves in cocoons.  We forget that everyone has carved his own trail of his happiness and ambitions which necessarily may not match with ours. Therefore let’s be with our own desires to be alive and fill our life with happiness.  It takes a fraction of a second to be unhappy, if our body and mind are unhealthy happiness walks away. Hence to be happy we need to respect ourselves.

 Just imagine when desires change into passion we start planting the tree of hatred. This is where imbalance occurs; we choose to be corrupt, cut shortcuts, cut the roots of others. Have desires but also gain inner strength to face failures and let the happiness take its own natural path; it dwells inside us.

Just think of a child who has lost his mother, no food to eat, no shelter, he spends whole life on the footpath and finally dies. He has no desire as he cannot afford to have desires. His happiness lies in two time meals, in the shelter of a tree, few clothes, which some rich man has donated to him.  Every journey is not smooth but happiness lies even in uneven paths and depends upon how you perceive it. To me happiness is our inner strength and we have to make constant efforts to build it. During all these years I have struggled for one thing or the other but now believe it was all was futile. I now think why to be passionate but still have not achieved a saintly approach towards life. This may be the reason that I am not happy for many things for many days. No outer source can help me it has to come from inside I have to slay the “ME” which is residing so deeply inside me, once this me will go I will become happy as the whole world will be mine and happiness will be scattered ubiquitously.

My daughter’s birthday

I am sitting alone in my home. It is drizzling. Today is the 7th of August. On this day my little princess arrived from a paradise. It is a well known saying that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step; hence 7th August was the first drop in the ocean of happiness for me. Roughly three decades have passed, but the day you were born is still as fresh as it was yesterday. Your birth and all the past years are like a favorite movie which I can watch over and over again.  Along with your birth came many challenges. How seconds changed into minutes, hours, days, years and finally you grew and have started leading your own life. You have gone very far from me but still there is a cord which keeps pulling both of us towards each other. There are few moments which I will never forget.  Your first touch, I felt a strange kind of warmth which was different from any other hug. Your cries made me nervous. You proved to be a great teacher for me.

You taught me many things from the day I conceived. You started telling me, slow down mom otherwise I will get hurt, you taught me to feel the change in myself and enjoy it. You told me I am a part of you and growing inside you, you gave me confidence and told me mom changes are always good as they indicate my growth. It is you who told me to feel the waves but not get sunken into these deep tides of water. You taught me that time never stops hence move along with it. It is because of you that I am alive.

As a mother I felt I should allow you to do the things you love, to grow, evolve, move in the direction of your dreams, and create your own space. It is said that a mother daughter relationship is the best relationship with least intergenerational gaps. I understood this only after you started growing up. The teen age rebellion approached you also and I had a tough time but as you crossed that age a common understanding started building between both of us and now we are good friends.

You are gone very far away like any other grown up daughter. I never ever wanted you to stay so far from me but again I have to respect your feelings and concerns. But no one can stop me from memorizing your laughs, your jokes and your plans to see me happy. I still remember the day when you started looking at a match for me in the matrimonial section of the news papers and wanted me to remarry. I remember you selected a few matches for me and wanted to send my bio data along with a photograph. You brought an old album and selected a photograph to send but it was not to your satisfaction. Upon my assertiveness to leave the idea of remarriage as I loved your father very deeply and will never be happy with any other man, you dropped this idea.  Now that you are far away, I feel lonely and say every day and miss you tremendously. I miss your laugh, your jokes, and your smile; miss your tickling to make me laugh. In the night I forget that you are not there most of the times and search for you on the bed and call your name. Today is your birthday and I am missing you, I am recollecting your child hood days. The month of August used to be very special for both of us.  New clothes, new shoes, and dining out on this day were our agenda.  In this materialistic world the only treasure I have is you as my darling daughter. Whenever I am sad I think of you and the emptiness surrounding tends to disappear. Talking to you on the phone makes my day. People feel strange that we talk to each other both in the morning and also in the evening.  Today is your birthday and I have promised not to be sad as you are always with me. Over and above that I know that now there is someone to serve you a fairy cake with a candle on your birthdays. I pray to God that he remains with you till you live, that this someone special may always be there to hold your hand. All these memories, wishes and prayers are the gift of the day from me to you. I hope you will like it. I have not narrated this note of mine to you on 7th of August while wishing you Happy Birthday as I knew that after reading it your eyes will get moist which I never want to happen on this special day.

Visit to Chandigarh

After a gap of almost 7 years I visited Chandigarh. My own town, although no body lives there now, but some times you develop relationships with roads, trees, mandirs and many other non-living things.  Living and non-living things was a class 6^th chapter. I remember mugging up the differences between living and non- living things. But today I feel how redundant are these differences. You may love the brick house as much as you love your own parents as all your childhood memories are attached with that brick house. You may adore the zigzag roads through which you have gone to your school.

During this trip I visited my old school in sector- 18, sector 17 market, the rose garden and walked through the roads of sector16. In the rose garden once my daughter fell into the rose bushes. I tried to locate those bushes where she fell. I can still remember the tears in my husband's  eyes No where I could find those bushes. I still remember these bushes  were having many small white roses. That day Swati was also wearing a frilly white frock. When I was lost in searching those bushes a young man came and asked me "Have you lost some thing?" Instantly, I replied yes. He offered me help to find it but I replied "no son, you will not be able to hit upon it as it was lost 37 years back". He looked at me with strange eyes.

When I was studying in Punjab University my nieces and nephews were very small. I think I was their gang leader. On any cloudy day I would pull out my bike and ask them to go to Sukhna lake. Everybody use to be quite thrilled, especially my eldest niece. We use to go biking enjoying almost everything. They all knew that Bua always has money and they can put forward their demands. I use to fullfill their desires. On this trip, I took an auto and went to Sukhna lake  and could feel the presence of all children around me asking me  "Bua, ice cream,  golgappas, Bhutta. I sat on a bench for some time and finally realized that there is no one there to make these demands. All the kids are married and have their own children. I am now old. Some street boy called me Dadi and requested me for some money for eating something. I searched for money and found the smallest note with me was of 100 Rupees. I gave him that and told him to have whatever he wanted. He was a little astonished but how could he comprehend what was going on inside me. A short trip of 7 days made me realize that the days pass away and every day we get older and older and finally the final destination will also arrive. More so at this age I could finally understand the difference between the living and non living things. NON LIVING THINGS remain forever while living things shrivel and grow older and older and you carry the big burden of memories like a huge sand bag with some small sand particles and some pebble stones. Some fine memories remain so deep rooted that you want to keep in touch with them.

Out of the fine memories are the ones which I experience whenever I visit my eldest niece who stays in Gurgaon. She is a big boss in a big company but for me she is still a little child who used to accompany me to sector 17 in her small frocks, used to run and say "catch Bua catch", and get scared at my scoldings. She still remembers that her Bua likes Kulfi.  If I am in Gurgaon and she comes home on time she makes it a mandate to take me to a kulfi shop and get me the big sized kulfi. I do not know how much it costs. But in my eyes it costs million of dollars as I can see the contented smile on her face.  

Visit to my Grand Pa

My Nana ji was a frequent caller to our house.  Upon his visit both me and my sister used to be quite delighted, the reason of this pleasure was that upon his departure he always gave us Rs. 2/- one rupee for me and another for my sister.  He had two aims: one to hit upon a Brahmin bridegroom for my sister and another to teach me math. Unfortunately none of his dreams have been fulfilled. I have never ever learnt math and my sister got married to a Kayastha gentleman. But this note of mine deals with my visit to his place and not about his visit to us.

  Nana ji offered my mother to take me to Simla during the Christmas holidays. At that time I was in class 8^th; older than the age where there is a half ticket for the kids. I was quite happy because I always wanted to see the snow covered mountains and also the snow falling on the trees. Till then I had seen one or two Hindi movies and in one of the movies I noticed the snow fall and trees covered with the snow. It was like a fairytale to me. I told my sister about the conversation between my mother and Nana ji. She became sad not because I was going but for the reason that she will be left alone. As soon as our Christmas break started, Nana ji came to take me to his home town. He brought a small bag and a blanket with him. My mother made my bag ready for me. When Nana ji saw that bag he was highly disappointed and told my mother to make an iron trunk ready for me. My mother was surprised and revealed some resistance but Nana ji won the battle. At 5 PM we started for the bus stand. After reaching there he purchased one and a half ticket. I was a little astonished as we were two people and he bought only one and a half ticket I told him: "Nanaji probably you are mistaken;; we are two". He use to call me Minna to show affection. He called me with the same name and replied "for you I have taken half ticket". "But I do not fall under that category"; I replied. He told me you are not going to occupy the seat you will sit on the steel trunk and I will cover you with the blanket so how will conductor come to know about your age! I wanted to argue with him but by that time the Bus came and hurriedly we entered the bus and Nana ji was successful in applying his tactics. I was sitting on the cold steel trunk totally covered with a blanket. After some time the bus conductor came and asked Nana ji to show the tickets and inquired about the half ticket. Nana ji casually replied "The child is sleeping there with a blanket on" and that was the end of the story. I successfully made the trip to Simla under that blanket on the steel trunk!

What your children are to you

What a funny title. Who does not know what our children are to us. But I thought of writing this after hearing and reading so much about the honor killing by parents; not only parents but children assassinating their parents too. In this so called world of modernization every thing is possible, still I believe in human relationships. There are few associations that matter a lot. First are your parents who teach you to walk, second are your siblings with whom you grow and learn how to share, third are your teachers who show you the path of life, fourth is your life partner who provides you the platform to share all feelings and your kids in whom you see your own shadow and for whom you have the desire to live. I remember the day when first time my pregnancy test was positive. Both of us were thrilled but in the first trimester it ended up into a miscarriage. I could not bear the shock for at least six months. Within a year I was again pregnant and we both crossed our fingers till our daughter was born: small little princess. Her first touch to me was awesome. Her first smile was millions of stars in the sky. Her cries use to make me restless and the first word she uttered is the best melody I have ever heard. I have a strong belief that every mother feels the same. Motherhood is the greatest boon which God has gifted to the women. Without motherhood no woman is complete. If you are blessed with a daughter you are lucky as they understand you the best. They provide you the desire, hope and dreams. How can one finish the dreams on the name of honor killing?

If we are unable to provide what our children need they will find someone who thinks alike and follows the journey with their steps. Someone who breathes with them and understands the secret of their soul. At this stage we argue that our children do not listen to us. It is difficult to say what is right and what is wrong as I do not have any answer except finishing this strange title with a word that all relations are too complex to understand.

Childhood

When I typed the heading I was thinking what I will write as childhood is so short still so vast. I was a naughty child; youngest among three of us. My early childhood was in the woods of my Baba's garden. Morning started with the picking up of fruits and raw vegetables. I never wanted to study. Baba used to get his postings in small towns because of his hearing problem. A masterjee use to come to teach me but could not continue to do so as I always troubled him in one way or the other. Today I was reading a book where it was written: never forget three people in your life i.e. one is your mother, second is your teacher and third is GOD.  Yes Master jee I have still not forgotten you.  You gave the first lesson of patience and forgiveness. I have not learnt the alphabets and counting from you because of my own mischiefs but what you taught me is probably what no teacher in the world can teach.

It happened so that after writing these few lines I stopped to think what to write next. In the meanwhile I received an invitation from my home town Chandigarh to deliver few lectures and presently I am continuing further sitting in the guest house. Today is the last day at Chandigarh.  Being the last day I thought let me visit the house where my infancy, adolescent and a part of women hood were attained. I went to sector 15C and preferred to walk as I wanted to see each and every name plate near 2150 house. Still few oldies are left. While standing near the house I cried profoundly by looking at the old palm trees which were planted by my brother. My brother was a great friend to me; he was 11 years older to me but still shared the deep philosophies of life. In difficult times he stood by me. His loss created a vast vacuum in me and left me thinking who will be with me to guide to choose between good, bad and worse. I tried to see the mango trees which were planted by my father but they were no more. I met few old friends of my mother; every one remembered her and quoted she was a virtuous soul. I passed through the old Gurudwara, school and Ram Sharan Ashram which were associated with my mother. I still remember the days when she used to visit these places for her prayers. The journey was complete but memoirs are numerous which need at least a decade to write. 

Memory Lane

Memory Lane

It was a dusky evening of 1984, when I was in Germany. I went there to receive training in my current speciality. In India I left my three year old daughter and a loving husband. It was a difficult decision to leave a child and also a hubby like Sushil; so caring and amorous. It was Sushil’s decision that I should go and avail such a prestigious award which was received only by two Indians. I still remember how many nights were sleepless for both of us. His decision is still paying me the rewards. Oh the thoughts have taken me somewhere else. So, it was a dusky evening of 1984, I was walking from my house to the post office. This was my daily routine as I had promised Sushil that every day I will post one letter. This walk was part of this pledge which I took before leaving India. During these evening walks I always came across a house and a child, 8-9 years old. This girl was always standing behind the close bars of a window; all the time looking outside as if searching for something. That evening I stopped near the window and smiled, she reciprocated. I did not know German so could not talk to her but now every day a stopover for 5-10 minutes became routine. Both of us started talking to each other in a sign language. I came to know she is the only child with a single parent and her mother used to go for work in those hours of the day. She used to stand near the window to share her loneliness with the people walking on the road side. I always felt sorry for her and the 10-15 minutes turned into hours by the time I left Essen.

 It is strange that the things you pity others for some times become part of your own life. Exactly when my own daughter was of the same age she became the child of a single parent; Sushil left me forever. I do not in which window she stood, who shared her solitude, who talked to her for hours in a sign language but I am proud of her that she courageously faced  that period without making any complaints to me.

THIS HOLI

THIS HOLI

As usual like any other day I got up at 3.30AM. My servants are not at home. I thought without them how will the house get cleaned. For me, it is unbearable to leave the house unclean that too on the day of the festival. I was not well having high BP last night with heart burn. I gathered the courage to clean the house. By 8AM I was totally free. I thought to take bath but then thinking that today is holi I restrained myself. I went outside to see if there is someone with whom I can play. There were some children they wished me happy Holi. I smiled blessed them and came inside. Now what to do. By that time Shanti my neighbour’s servant came to give me Gujia. I was happy to see that someone has come. I gave her sweets and some money for the kids. It was only 9AM by this time. I thought let me take bath but again restrained thinking that someone may come to play Holi.

By 9.30 it was height for me thinking why people take so much time in starting the festival. I took some good cloths opened the Gulal packet went out to see if a soul is there. Luckily I found elder Mr Verma outside the house. To me it was a treasure. I immediately approached him put tilik on his forehead, wished him happy holi, went to their home met his family members, came down and moved towards the park where everyone plays holi. Not even a single person was there. It was 10AM. For me it was too much. I took some Dal and rise and started preparing it and went to take bath. After that I took my lunch it was 11AM. I heard a loud music some hustle and bustle on the road. People were going on the road to play holi laughing and playing. At 12PM Dr Amita came to wish me holi and could recognize that I have taken bath and said I will not put colour on you as you have. She went to play holi in the park. Every year we both use to go together but this time she went alone.

I came and sat on sofa thinking why cannot even for a single day I can postpone things and go with the wordily affairs. BUT THAT IS ME thinking this I satisfied myself. THIS WAS HOLI 8^th MARCH 2012.